eh... then there was me

So. Jubilee was awesome. Loved the whole show. Dinner was awesome, loved the whole meal. Teri-lynn was awesome... But i don't think it was a date. Or maybe it was a date and somehow i managed to fuck it up. Right now, i couldn't begin to tell you. Don't think i ever will without straight out asking. And that's usually a sign that there was, in fact, no spark. Just the light reflecting off something somewhere else in just the right way. Hope = 0.

I do know that i'm tired (and not just of being awake) and going to bed. I need a new life, this one seems to be going downhill at a very high velocity and i seem to be unable to stop it. Who wants to see me crash and burn? :-|

That's it...

I'm gonna have to move to fuckin date. Just cruised match.com cause they have a pets catagory... EVEREYONE has a cat or a dog or both. EVERY SINGLE MATCH. i can't date in vegas. I FUCKIN HATE MY FUCKIN LIFE. God damn it. Bad enough i can't get a date or find a personal site that doesn't want to drain me finacialy just to send a fuckin e-mail. But noooo, i finally find one i kinda like and come to find out that EVERYONE HAS A PET. Why? What's the big fuckin deal Why does everyone in this god forsken city have to have at least one cat and/or dog? Whats the big attraction. ARRRRRGHGGGHH!H!!!!! I HATE THIS GOD DAMN CITY!!!! I'm movin somewhere. That's all there is to in. I can't do this. I can't be forced to be single cause i'm alergic to something other than human beings. That's bull shit. I'm soooooooo fuckin pissed right now. A whole town full of pet people. Why did i have to get moved here. Why does god hate me. This is sooooo wrong...

Annoyed

Upon looking of some singles sites, i've decided i hate said sites. I'm sick of being asked to pay OUT THE ASS just to be able to talk on a singles site. Used to be you could be one month memberships for a small fee, now it's either you join for at least 3-6 motnhs and pay at least 60-120 dollars or you can't do a damn thing. I'm not gonna pay someone that much money for that long a membership upfront when only two-three adds intrest me. Fuck that. I got a better chance of meeting someone at cheers of the frog. And at least if i do pay that much to meet someone there, i got some decent beer out of it.

All i want is a "yay me" moment. When can i be happy for me? When can i hear someone else say "i'm happy for you" or "that's really cool". Why do i seem to be a supporting role in my own life story? When do I get to cash in some of this pain from something pleasurable? Something that happend to me, not to those around me, or that i was only periphialy involved in. Somewhere, this all went wrong. It got fucked. And I can't un-fuck it. Maybe i fucked it all up myself. Maybe whoever is in charge lost track and I have to pull overtime as a negative to the positives. Why can't I get the girl, or the really awesome job, or be someones role model. I never hear how people want to be like me. Seems that everyone instinctively knows that being me sucks. I can't remember the last time i really felt respected. Like people found something in me to admire. I couldn't even pick something for people to admire about me. I'm not shit, but i'm not gravy either. I'm just... ok. good, but not good enough.

Please don't go leaving comments on this. This isn't me asking for you to come up with something nice to say about me, or to cheer me up. Just... leave it be. Please.

ARRRGGHHHH!!!!

So, work sucked a lot of ass today. First off, the guy from a vendor i need to talk to for troubleshooting doesn't answer my calls nor does he return them. Then, my director comes in and says " fix this guys machine. It's a priority" I haven't had a chance to even enjoy my first pop-tart and i gotta get running to the ER. Then, come to find out the hard drive is going bad. So i get to reimage, right? WRONG! i gotta build from scratch. That's right, base OS install on a compaq. So, after formatting the new hard drive, and installing the OS, i get to hunt down the nic driver just so i can do ANYTHING. After i get that done, i have to install every single application. Shit that is on the image, if there was one, which there wasn't. So, at this point in time, most of my day has been pissed away installing shit. I haven't got a single thing done i was supposed to. Nor any of the new shit i aquired in the past 24 hours. But wait, it gets worse. I finally get done (i thought) with the machine and install it. Come to find out i forgot to install two applications, which means i get to go back tomorrow and do that. PLUS, i had to do helldesk, which means that any time i had left over was sucked away, right quick and in a hurry. So, i end my day and restart my machine. Guess what. BSOD! not one, not two, but three. Hard drive won't even boot. So, tomorrow, I get to spend my morning praying i get ahold of the vendor AND rebuilding my machine. Isn't that special. And as an added bonus, the MCSE class today was a big, huge, glaring reminder of all the networking shit i've forgoten. Things that i knew a year ago i couldn't tell you now. So i got to end my day with a reminder of how much i don't remember. Yay fun. And i was 9 minutes late. Not that i got up late, no. I was doing good till i couldn't find my wallet (fell out of pants), my keys (next to wallet), had a big steaming pile of pidgeon shit on my front window, ON THE DRIVERS SIDE, RIGHT IN THE LINE OF SIGHT, and got stuck behind every constuction truck in existance. Seems that slower traffic to the right only applies to 66% of trucks out there. I kid you not, Seems that now construction trucks ride side-by-side, at 8AM, and only do about 40 MPH. Today had a fair market value of fuck-all.

OMG

http://www.somethingpositive.net/

Whomever failed to tell me about this sooner is fired. Clean out your desk. Security will be by to escort you out.

Of the wall thought...

"ever wanted to fake your own death just to see who shows up?"

Does that make me depressed... or just odd... or maybe a bit off...

Maybe i'm not so "ok"

Big fish is an awesome movie. Go see it. That being said. IT HURT! I didn't do my usual search on the movie so I could "see it for the firs time" as it were. Big mistake. I didn't know that the father would die of cancer. So, i went in unprepared. In a flash, all the memories of my mother withering away came back. Remembering all the times i "walked" her through the delusions from the brain cancer. Helping her do everyday things like reading or eating, sometimes because she was too weak, other times because she was too out of it. Hearing her sob in pain when she thought i couldn't hear but telling me she's ok. I watched the strongest figure in my life shrink, both literally and figuratively. It took everything in me to keep it together long enough to get to the nearest free parking lot (I was not about to pay to have a mini-breakdown). I'm better now. But i was not prepared to have the fact that I really miss my mom brought to stark realization again tonight. It hurt... a lot. Having to relive my mothers west coast and east coast funerals. I think, if I had known, i'd be ok. I woulda been able to ready myself for it. But I wasn't ready, and i didn't think it would mirror my reality that close when i found out. The last time my mother was really there, she said two things "i love you" and "I'm sorry to put you through this". That about a month before she passed. That was the last time i can say i saw my mother. That was something i was not ready to deal with tonight. Hopefully, when i wake up tomorrow, i'll be ok again. And hopefully, i'll someday be able to watch a serious movie without having to research it...

So...

Can't think of anything really note worthy to place here. My life is soo... dull.

n/a

Well, it's be proven that I cannot win. No lovin for me, ever. I'm all out of a false sense of confidence, i'm now running on a true sense of failure. I've watched almost all my friends break up and hook up in the time it's taken me to have a couple of pointless dates. I try to tell myself all the cliche lines of "it's not me". But that can't be right. If it were right, i'd prolly have found gotten somewhere with someone. But, instead, i've just blown about $300 in dates in the past year to get... nowhere. hell, anyone i've dated won't even fuckin talk to me. yep... no hope here... just despair and anger...