Maybe i'm not so "ok"

Big fish is an awesome movie. Go see it. That being said. IT HURT! I didn't do my usual search on the movie so I could "see it for the firs time" as it were. Big mistake. I didn't know that the father would die of cancer. So, i went in unprepared. In a flash, all the memories of my mother withering away came back. Remembering all the times i "walked" her through the delusions from the brain cancer. Helping her do everyday things like reading or eating, sometimes because she was too weak, other times because she was too out of it. Hearing her sob in pain when she thought i couldn't hear but telling me she's ok. I watched the strongest figure in my life shrink, both literally and figuratively. It took everything in me to keep it together long enough to get to the nearest free parking lot (I was not about to pay to have a mini-breakdown). I'm better now. But i was not prepared to have the fact that I really miss my mom brought to stark realization again tonight. It hurt... a lot. Having to relive my mothers west coast and east coast funerals. I think, if I had known, i'd be ok. I woulda been able to ready myself for it. But I wasn't ready, and i didn't think it would mirror my reality that close when i found out. The last time my mother was really there, she said two things "i love you" and "I'm sorry to put you through this". That about a month before she passed. That was the last time i can say i saw my mother. That was something i was not ready to deal with tonight. Hopefully, when i wake up tomorrow, i'll be ok again. And hopefully, i'll someday be able to watch a serious movie without having to research it...