Confession time...
So, a 3 AM post. Aren't I just absolutely cliche? But, here we are. 3am. It's been days since I slept well. So I'm sure that just makes the situation worse. But... Here we are. So, I figure I'll just get some things out to see if that helps...
1: I've been a self serving asshole. Not completely mind you. Just enough to make my life the mess it is now. I didn't do the things that love needs to grow. I didn't hold up my end of the deal. I took, but didn't give. I didn't take the time to look past my own fucking nose. And now... I pay the price for that. Simply put, I didn't appreciate the many and vast great things that Karen brought to my life. I didn't. No excuses. No reasons. It wasn't out of malice or cruelty. It was plain old American stupidity. I didn't because I didn't know what I had. I didn't because it was too easy not to. I made more than a few major mistakes. I know that now. I was so fucking focused on some fantasy of what it would be like on my own, I couldn't see the love that was right in front of me. There's nothing I can do now to make that better. I have made that bed, and in that bed I shall lay.
2: I've been lying to myself. I said I didn't want anything serious right now. I thought I needed to figure me out by myself. I said a lot of things. And I believed I meant them. What was really going on was fear. I was afraid to lose my independence. I was afraid to give in. I was afraid of getting hurt. I told myself everything I could to justify that. I was so convincing that I fooled me. I coulda been just fine on a schedule. I coulda just calmed down, taken a step or two back, and have gotten to the meat of what was going on. I know I need space. I know I need alone time. But that doesn't equal being single. That doesn't equal scaling things down to a casual level. What that means is having "we" days and "me" days. That's what that equals. And even an idiot like me shoulda figured that out without having to break things off.
3: I've been nit-picking unfairly. This stems from my diabetes inflicted foreskin issue some of you know about. Well, it'd taken me out of sexual commission. And, unfortunately, in doing so, I started over analyzing the relationship. I'd taken every mole hill and made it a mountain. I had let myself create some distance because of it. I had let myself believe that I had to stop showing affection less I have another painful erection. And because of that, I let myself fall into some really destructive thought patterns. I let myself believe the lie that sex isn't that important, and that clearly, there's more to the story. Fact is, I shoulda just roughed it out and do what I could when I could. Sex is very important. Showing affection is very important. Sometimes, jus bearing the pain for a few moments to make sure the other person knows you still WANT them is important.
I didn't let Karen make me the better man. I didn't listen when she made simple little requests. I didn't do the things that love asks. I am now reaping the bitter fruits I've sown. I let her down. I let myself down. I let myself fall into the trappings of complacency. I fucked up. I don't deserve the kindness she shows me to this day. I owe her more than I can ever repay. She offered my herself, her love, her time, her strength, her companionship. And I gladly feasted like a ravenous beast. In return, I offered her a mixed bag of good words, the occasional kind deed, and a whole buch of undue grief. I wasn't honest with myself, which made me dishonest with her by default. I've been the asshole. Incidental or not. I've been unfair to her. I've been unfair to my friends for having them deal with my bullshit. I've unduly taxed everything around me because I was the asshole. I truly, honestly, apologize to everyone this has affected in some way. I know I'm not perfect. But that's a thin excuse for the things I've done. I don't know when I became so broken. I don't know when I became the flailing idiot I am today. I don't know when I lost the willingness to express the things I feel. I don't know when I became so lazy. I don't know when I started being dishonest with myself. I don't know why I was so fucking unwilling to just give. She never once asked anything of me that I was unable to do. I don't what happened, but I don't feel like such a nice guy anymore. I don't feel like I was the better man I prided myself on being.
To everyone who gave me counsel, I am sorry I wasted your time. I'm sorry for presenting you with a conundrum based on false pretences. In this amazing moment of self destruction, I have taken advantage of your time and energies. I have not been the good friend some of you prize me as.
To Karen. I am truly and deeply sorry for involving you in this quagmire of self deception. I cannot thank you enough for you care and consideration. Right now, a lot of things make english now more than ever. Know that as much as it hurts to have failed myself, it hurts that much more to have failed you. You really don't deserve me. You deserve better.
The truth hurts. And now, it would be my turn to cry...
1: I've been a self serving asshole. Not completely mind you. Just enough to make my life the mess it is now. I didn't do the things that love needs to grow. I didn't hold up my end of the deal. I took, but didn't give. I didn't take the time to look past my own fucking nose. And now... I pay the price for that. Simply put, I didn't appreciate the many and vast great things that Karen brought to my life. I didn't. No excuses. No reasons. It wasn't out of malice or cruelty. It was plain old American stupidity. I didn't because I didn't know what I had. I didn't because it was too easy not to. I made more than a few major mistakes. I know that now. I was so fucking focused on some fantasy of what it would be like on my own, I couldn't see the love that was right in front of me. There's nothing I can do now to make that better. I have made that bed, and in that bed I shall lay.
2: I've been lying to myself. I said I didn't want anything serious right now. I thought I needed to figure me out by myself. I said a lot of things. And I believed I meant them. What was really going on was fear. I was afraid to lose my independence. I was afraid to give in. I was afraid of getting hurt. I told myself everything I could to justify that. I was so convincing that I fooled me. I coulda been just fine on a schedule. I coulda just calmed down, taken a step or two back, and have gotten to the meat of what was going on. I know I need space. I know I need alone time. But that doesn't equal being single. That doesn't equal scaling things down to a casual level. What that means is having "we" days and "me" days. That's what that equals. And even an idiot like me shoulda figured that out without having to break things off.
3: I've been nit-picking unfairly. This stems from my diabetes inflicted foreskin issue some of you know about. Well, it'd taken me out of sexual commission. And, unfortunately, in doing so, I started over analyzing the relationship. I'd taken every mole hill and made it a mountain. I had let myself create some distance because of it. I had let myself believe that I had to stop showing affection less I have another painful erection. And because of that, I let myself fall into some really destructive thought patterns. I let myself believe the lie that sex isn't that important, and that clearly, there's more to the story. Fact is, I shoulda just roughed it out and do what I could when I could. Sex is very important. Showing affection is very important. Sometimes, jus bearing the pain for a few moments to make sure the other person knows you still WANT them is important.
I didn't let Karen make me the better man. I didn't listen when she made simple little requests. I didn't do the things that love asks. I am now reaping the bitter fruits I've sown. I let her down. I let myself down. I let myself fall into the trappings of complacency. I fucked up. I don't deserve the kindness she shows me to this day. I owe her more than I can ever repay. She offered my herself, her love, her time, her strength, her companionship. And I gladly feasted like a ravenous beast. In return, I offered her a mixed bag of good words, the occasional kind deed, and a whole buch of undue grief. I wasn't honest with myself, which made me dishonest with her by default. I've been the asshole. Incidental or not. I've been unfair to her. I've been unfair to my friends for having them deal with my bullshit. I've unduly taxed everything around me because I was the asshole. I truly, honestly, apologize to everyone this has affected in some way. I know I'm not perfect. But that's a thin excuse for the things I've done. I don't know when I became so broken. I don't know when I became the flailing idiot I am today. I don't know when I lost the willingness to express the things I feel. I don't know when I became so lazy. I don't know when I started being dishonest with myself. I don't know why I was so fucking unwilling to just give. She never once asked anything of me that I was unable to do. I don't what happened, but I don't feel like such a nice guy anymore. I don't feel like I was the better man I prided myself on being.
To everyone who gave me counsel, I am sorry I wasted your time. I'm sorry for presenting you with a conundrum based on false pretences. In this amazing moment of self destruction, I have taken advantage of your time and energies. I have not been the good friend some of you prize me as.
To Karen. I am truly and deeply sorry for involving you in this quagmire of self deception. I cannot thank you enough for you care and consideration. Right now, a lot of things make english now more than ever. Know that as much as it hurts to have failed myself, it hurts that much more to have failed you. You really don't deserve me. You deserve better.
The truth hurts. And now, it would be my turn to cry...
posted by Rook at 5/02/2005 03:05:00 AM
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