Answer:

I was asked "So what changed? Why do I believe that NOW I want a LTR?" And i've thought about that. It occours to me that I've always wanted one. I just forgot how to act when I got one. When I think back to all the other times I was looking long term, I was no where near as sure as I am now that it's the right thing to do. I know that i was really lucky. I lucky enough to find someone who really wants me. Someone who loves me and accepts me for who I am. And i was lucky enough to find that in the most unusual of places. I was lucky enough to ever start to feel the same way about them. I was finally lucky in love. Lucky, but not smart. I was not intelligent enough about love to do it the right way. I was too afraid of being hurt in the same way I have before. So much so that it borders on phobic. It was completely irrational, illogical, and without any due cause. It was through the power of that fear that I became convinced that I didn't want the relationship. I know now that I was so busy trying to protect myself from the great other shoe in the sky that I made the relationship a miserable place to be. To such a degree that I was looking for reasons to expect it to end. And, lo and behold, I even did my part to create reasons to expect that. Hell, I even went so far as the throw the shoe in the air so I could be hit by it. I feel lament. I feel remorse. I miss her so bad. I know I stand to lose her. The mere thought of that makes my heart go all wonky. But, I am also at a far more peacful place. It's a place I remember very clearly. It's a place I haven't been in years. It a sense of self security. Of self worth. I know that I can be the better man. I know I can be true to myself. And if I can do that, I can be true to those I care about. Those I love. The fact that I had to get that particular piece of reeducation the hardest way possible sucks. It's an unfortunate side effect of being stubborn. No, it's an effect of being stubborn. I hurt the one person you would think, after so many years of searching, so many times around the "nope, just not right" cycle, so many years of wishing and hoping and praying, I would make damn sure I didn't hurt. The fact is, it's what I want. It's what I've been looking for. It's the reason why I even bother dating in the first place. It's the reason I don't make a habbit of random sex. It's the reason I look for more than a pretty face and a low moral threshold. It's why I'm so critical of who I actually attempt to date. It's the reason I was single when she met me. It's the reason why I decided I want Karen in my life as more than a right now thing. It's the reason why so many of the good things about us seemed to have survived to some extent or another. I want to know that tomorrow, next week, next year I can expect to see Karen by my side. Karen. Not a woman who is like, but interestingly not, Karen. I may not get what I want this time. And there's precious little I can do to change that.