So hard right now...

You ever wanted to drag yourself out to the parking lot and beat yourself silly? I really want to believe that it's not all my fault. I want to believe that it takes two to tango. I want to think there are area's where I'm not at fault. Where I did the right thing a the right time. The only thing i can fault her is for not kicking my ass to the curb. I did everything short of demanding she do it. The hardest part is the good days like today. Where everything went ok. Nothing was too bad or stressful. And all I want is to share it with her. i can not believe i fucking did this. I can not believe I finally have something truly beautiful and worth fighting for in my life and I have to destroy it. I'm sure one day, no matter the outcome, the pain will dull. The regret will fade to fond rememberance. But right now, this moment, there is precious little i wouldn't trade to be able to do it all over.