Revelations...
Lets recap, shall we? 26 years old. Never had a relationship make it past the six month mark (with one only getting close, if i'm allowed to count highschool). the longest lasting "relationships" i've ever had were sex only things. Anytime i've tried to date anyone in the past 5 going on 6, years it's ended in me getting booted in one month or less.... IF i can make it past the first date... IF i can get that far... which i don't ususally. The only positives i can say about my dating history is that i've never had a disease or got a girl preagnant. that's it. I can't think of anything else i can honestly say i wouldn't change. my personal adds get all the warm reception of a dead monkey, my reply's as well. the track record speaks for it's self i think. everything points to me never being good enough. I've spent the last four days trying to convince myslef that i'm wrong. that i'm good for more than just a friend. that i'm desireable. but i find little evidence for that. But that's not what's important. that's not why I am where i am. Why i feel what i feel. I know that right now. i can see that right now...
i see how i acted the past few weeks. how i wanted to believe in someone actually wanting me as more than a passing fancy so hard that i ignored the obvious signs. i tried to make myslef believe the dream and ignore the reality. if i really had feelings as strong as i say i did, shouldn't it hurt more now? shouldn't i miss her? Shouldn't i at least be a little angry? at her? at the situation? at SOMETHING? but i don't feel any of that. i just feel ashamed of myself. ashamed that i willfuly closed my eyes and ignored what i already knew. ashamed that my actions were beneath what i the standards i try to hold myself to. i look at how i handled myself and i'm mad at me. no one else. i let me down cause it was conveinient. I know that as well as i know the back of my hand. the only time i did me proud was the very end. that's it. every moment leading up to that is a black mark on my personal record. And i can't forget that. and i can't undo that. I failed me by putting myself in the back seat. By lying to myself. by cheating myslef out of peace of mind and trust in my own instincts.
"this above all; to thine own self be true"
I used to make it my goal to live up to that in every act i do. I used to follow that with such dogged tenacity that precious little would shake me from my task. It was my duty to be honest with myself at all times. It was my mission to never have to look in the mirror and be ashamed of who looked back. I haven't followed that path in a loooooong time. At some point I started down the slippery slope. I started the little white lie here and there. I blured the line between what i need and what i want. And i blurred it again when it was conveinient. I let myself believe the hype. I let myself be rocked in the filthy craddle of society. I tried to go back among the sleeping. I tried to sink back into the masses. to live life ignorant of my needs and midfull of my wants. And i've paid what prices. I've spent almost six years chasing what I can't have. Spent the past 2 (almost three) years believeing in "i can't." Spent the past month trying convice myself that there is something more to a kiss, and something less to the lack of one. In short, i've wasted a whole lot of time and energy on things that are unimportant. I've conditioned myself to react to rejection rather than to acceptance. I've concived myself that I am more than I am rather that less than what i could become. I've become proud in my humility. I have lost my path. I have lost my self. I am lost. I know that now. I know now what i have been affraid to know. that i have failed myself. I have not remembered the simple statement "this above all; to thine own self be true". And it was all because true love of myself got a little lonely. Becuase it's easier to want something when you convince yourself you need it. It's easier to sleep with someone when you tell yourself "i need this" and not "I want this".
I am not proud of what i have become the past few years. I have turned a blind eye and a deaf ear to my own needs too long. I have been weak for fear of scaring the weak. I have been dumb for fear of of scaring the dumb. I have been blind for fear of scaring the blind. I have denied my true self. And all i have gained for it is my own pain. A person who is hardly someone to be proud of. I am not "alone" because of the whims of some other person. Nothing can replace peace with self. Nothing is higher than looking in the mirror and knowing what is looking back is sharp and deadly, yet kind and loving. I used to feel that. I was that person. I shall be again. I am strong. I can see. I have a voice. I am awake. Once again, I am awake.
i see how i acted the past few weeks. how i wanted to believe in someone actually wanting me as more than a passing fancy so hard that i ignored the obvious signs. i tried to make myslef believe the dream and ignore the reality. if i really had feelings as strong as i say i did, shouldn't it hurt more now? shouldn't i miss her? Shouldn't i at least be a little angry? at her? at the situation? at SOMETHING? but i don't feel any of that. i just feel ashamed of myself. ashamed that i willfuly closed my eyes and ignored what i already knew. ashamed that my actions were beneath what i the standards i try to hold myself to. i look at how i handled myself and i'm mad at me. no one else. i let me down cause it was conveinient. I know that as well as i know the back of my hand. the only time i did me proud was the very end. that's it. every moment leading up to that is a black mark on my personal record. And i can't forget that. and i can't undo that. I failed me by putting myself in the back seat. By lying to myself. by cheating myslef out of peace of mind and trust in my own instincts.
"this above all; to thine own self be true"
I used to make it my goal to live up to that in every act i do. I used to follow that with such dogged tenacity that precious little would shake me from my task. It was my duty to be honest with myself at all times. It was my mission to never have to look in the mirror and be ashamed of who looked back. I haven't followed that path in a loooooong time. At some point I started down the slippery slope. I started the little white lie here and there. I blured the line between what i need and what i want. And i blurred it again when it was conveinient. I let myself believe the hype. I let myself be rocked in the filthy craddle of society. I tried to go back among the sleeping. I tried to sink back into the masses. to live life ignorant of my needs and midfull of my wants. And i've paid what prices. I've spent almost six years chasing what I can't have. Spent the past 2 (almost three) years believeing in "i can't." Spent the past month trying convice myself that there is something more to a kiss, and something less to the lack of one. In short, i've wasted a whole lot of time and energy on things that are unimportant. I've conditioned myself to react to rejection rather than to acceptance. I've concived myself that I am more than I am rather that less than what i could become. I've become proud in my humility. I have lost my path. I have lost my self. I am lost. I know that now. I know now what i have been affraid to know. that i have failed myself. I have not remembered the simple statement "this above all; to thine own self be true". And it was all because true love of myself got a little lonely. Becuase it's easier to want something when you convince yourself you need it. It's easier to sleep with someone when you tell yourself "i need this" and not "I want this".
I am not proud of what i have become the past few years. I have turned a blind eye and a deaf ear to my own needs too long. I have been weak for fear of scaring the weak. I have been dumb for fear of of scaring the dumb. I have been blind for fear of scaring the blind. I have denied my true self. And all i have gained for it is my own pain. A person who is hardly someone to be proud of. I am not "alone" because of the whims of some other person. Nothing can replace peace with self. Nothing is higher than looking in the mirror and knowing what is looking back is sharp and deadly, yet kind and loving. I used to feel that. I was that person. I shall be again. I am strong. I can see. I have a voice. I am awake. Once again, I am awake.
posted by Rook at 4/26/2004 08:05:00 PM
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