Sometimes, you gotta wonder if desperation can be detected over the internet through a personal add... If so, i have no hope what so ever... I don't know if i seem desperate. Anyone who's read my add says i'm not. But, it could be a biased opinion.
On a different note, I think i need to find a different crowd to hang around. Not permanently, but just stop spending all my time with one crowd. Not that i don't love my friends. i do. I just need a break from the coupling going on. I don't hold any single one of my friends at fault in this, it's just been a spot rubbed raw by a few things that have happend over the past few months. Hell, most of that doesn't even involve ANY of my friends. Most of it is due to my inability to tell when i'm about to get blown off or when i'm getting the pitty date. Problem is, the amount of non-coupled friends i have seems to shrink by the day, so that pretty much leaves me at home. But that may not be a bad idea either. It'd be cheaper for one. I'd get more sleep. Might make me get bored enough to work on my website/blogger intergration project. Just need to change things up a bit. Get a break. A little air...
Realised that i seem to snap more at people... I seem to feel like it's me against them. Whoever it is on the other end. I don't know why, but it just feels like it sometimes. Like the whole world wants a chance to take a dig at me. Maybe it's just too many years of being the fat kid, or the black kid, or the new kid, or the guy who doesn't have a date for any event in which a date comes in handy. Oh god, it just dawned on me valentines day is next weekend. Maybe i'll just stay home next weekend. Play some non-internet gaming, and pretend it's just another day. Just disconnect for a weekend. Don't think i'm up for being in public on, as a friend of mine so clearly put it, singles awareness day.
You know, i've never had a real, honest to god, date on valentines. I've never even been dating someone on valentines, much less had an actual relationship. In fact, i've spent every valentines day since i figured out what was good about girls failing in that aspect. Hell, i'v never had a relationship make it past six months. And i can't seem to get the right timing for valentines. Prolly why i've been so... hyper-aware... of my inability to get anything going in that part of my life. Some part of my saw this comming and started sending off alarms.
Fuck. NOW i'm in a crappy (ier) mood than before. Time for me to go to bed. All this goes away when i sleep. I don't remember my dreams, I don't know what my brain has to show me, and i love it. Sleep is just about my only real escape from myself. When i sleep, i'm the exact opposite of AM. I'm... NOT. And i don't think i could trade that in for anything. While my day to day may not be the best, I know that when i go to bed, none of that matters. For those few hours i blink out of existance and everyting goes away.
It's always been like that. When i was in the 5th grade they made us keep "dream books" I turned in my first week empty. I got yelled at, but it was the truth. after that, i made shit up. It was prehaps the greatest thing watching my teacher read that and say that my book was one of the best he'd gotten from his class. LOL. 3 weeks of lies and fantasy, got an A, and still wake up not remembering a thing from my dreams. I also loved people going "but don't you feel like you're missing something?" But you can't miss what you never had. I've never had my dreams, but i've always had an awesome imagination. Maybe that's one of my trade offs. I can imagine just about anything, but i can't remember what i make up when no one is watching. LOL. But... yeah... sleep. Hasta...
