I think I got it now...

I'm defective. That's gotta be it... Somewhere there is something that sends off a red flag of any woman in a 3 mile radius of me. And before anyone chimes in with the "there's nothing wrong with you" speech, i've heard it. And i don't buy it. There is no possible way just about every woman who has had any romantic involvement with me has found "the one" imediately after. The odds on that are just WAAAAAAY to high for me to not get the hint that there is something wrong with me. I'm really getting tired of being shown over and over that i'm just not "it", never was "it", and was obviously a horrid mistake. It's enough to make me want to start the killings. It wouldn't be so bad if every time i ran into an ex it didn't go:

Them: "I'm getting married in x days/months, how about you"
Me: "single"
T: "aww... not even dating anyone"
m: "no"
t: " well...........i........gotta.......... go"
m: "before you call me a loser, i got it"

Hell... who am i kidding. I haven't even had a relationship make it past 6 months... I don't even know the meaning of a long term relationship. I'm so defective, most women get rid of me before the novelty even starts to wear thin. And that ended years ago. i didn't even make it out of college before i stopped getting dates. Now, it's an act of congress for me to see a tit that didn't expect a dollar to be thrown it's way. I'd say i'll stop dating, but that'd be like a man in solitary sayng he's taken a vow of celibacy. Just a way to attempt to fool myself into thinking this is something i'm doing by choice.

And i've had it with the friend zone... I can't tolerate it anymore. Im not going to sit by and hope. Fuck that. It hasn't worked in how many years? Right now, it's a question of keeping my sanity. I figure, if i end up in the enemy zone, I'm not gonna hear about all the great guys these women meet, which implies that, somehow, i'm just not that great. It's torture, and I'm through with it. I will freely and openly admit that i'm not out looking for more friends, I already have more friends than i can keep up with. So telling me that we should be friends is like telling an eskimo in the tundra that he needs an air conditioner. It's a hard sell, and you can expect some returns to come your way.

And i'mn happy that alot of my friends are hooking up, or finding people they want to be with, but really, i'm begining to feel that there was some great date swap and i missed that day. Then again, i'd have to have a date to swap, and that's something i haven't had for a while now. ANd not for lack of trying. I even tried personal adds. Five sites, Five profiles, Countless first conacts. Two replies, One date, Friend zone. It's an edless cycle. I try, i get about one woman every two or three months to notice me long enough to decide i'm not even worth a go. Wash, Rinse, Repeat... I actually expect it now. If i didn't end up in the friend zone, i wouldn't know what to do. I'd e lost and confused in this whole new world.

Blah... I hate my personal life... I think i'll start finding ways to stay at work as long a possible. At least there i'm actually usefull and desired. And i get paid for it.